December 10th 2007 07:51 pm
An Open Letter to NFL announcers
Dear NFL TV Broadcasters,
I spend on average 120 hours a year listening to you talk about things I can see. Know that your jobs are, at best, superfluous. There are two things I want you from you
- Be factual
- Be entertaining
In both of these two things, many of you constantly fail. Items of factual nature are pretty easy to suss out, so I’ll leave it to you and your producers to figure the best method for stopping your deficiencies. Matters of entertainment are, largely, matters of taste. I believe, however, that there are a few things that cannot be entertaining any longer. They are not funny, not thought-provoking, not interesting and not anything but a waste of your breath and my brain’s processing power*.
- When the Packers are playing anyone, please don’t divulge the difference in the number of starting quarterbacks the two teams have had since Brett Favre started playing. I say this as both a Bears fan and someone who abhors violence. Someday, one of those graphics will cause a drunken fan to inflict harm upon an innocent bystander. Won’t you think of the children?
- When calling a Colts game, please refrain from talking about how the Colts defense improved when Bob Sanders returned from injury last season. That was both LAST SEASON and painfully obvious. It was obvious to me that the reason the Colts D last year sucked so much was that Sanders was missing.
- When calling a game with Mr Owens on the field, please to not talk about him. At all.
- Jim Nantz, please duct tape Phil Simms’ mouth shut.
- Phil Simms, please duct tape Jim Nantz’ mouth shut.
- Somebody please tackle Tony Siragusa any time he tries to talk.
- Somebody please tell John Madden to take a nap. He can clearly use the rest.
- Joe Buck, please go out back and beat the smugness out of yourself. You actually make Troy Aikmann bearable to listen to, and I hate the Cowboys, past and present.
- Stop using Pro Bowl appearances as a significant signifier of greatness.
- Realize when Pro Bowl players, especially linesmen, are declining. Olin Kreutz has been pretty terrible this year.
- If you’ve heard other announcers provide a bit of information more than twice before about a player, stop saying it. If you’ve heard it more than twice, I’ve heard it many more times than that.
2 Comments »
Ryan on 10 Dec 2007 at 11:50 pm #
Although this is about pro football, i would like to add this for college footballs sake:
1) Brent Mussberger, retire please. You are the John Madden who doesn’t get mocked for being John Madden.
2) The phrase “running for daylight” was cliche before I was born, probably when Brent was about 60. Find something new, or mix up your cliches sometimes.
3) Fuck you, Joe Buck.
Scott on 12 Dec 2007 at 11:06 pm #
I was going to say that I kind of like Brent Mussberger, but I realized that my fondness for him is a holdover from the middle 80’s (and what great judges of talent young kids are).
So yeah, Brent, kindly join John in front of the fire in the Announcers Old Peoples Home. There’s a comfy chair for you.